Joe's Birthday poem

How do you say Happy Birthday to your son who is so far away?

When you wish you could hold him and whisper in his ear that it is finally his special day?

When he would be eight, a magical time, and you’d lead him to the waters of cleansing divine?

When, both of you clothed in white, the Savior would wash his soul, clean and bright?

But alas, you cannot; he has journeyed Home.

He is with His Savior, never to be alone.

His soul is sparkling clean, he is now a bright little Sunbeam.

Looking down from above, his smile shines down its love.

And though your heart aches and feign it would break,

You know that again his warmth shall fill your embrace,

And together again you’ll be, in brightness celestially.

Yet, here you reside on earth until you stop your life’s ride.

Waiting, hoping, and wanting to be,

Together with him, your family, your Lord up above,

To live in His Warmth with the little Angel you love.

James's eighth B-day

I am so grateful for everyday I got to spend with my son James.  I am thankful for the good memories and the not so good.  The good, I treasure and hold onto till I can see him again.  The not so good because  I know I am still here to learn and the quicker I learn my lesson the sooner I can see him again! 

I am grateful for the example he was to me.  I remember his kindness to others.  He loved people.  He thoughts of others all the time.  He payed attention to them.  He noticed things and would comment on them.    I think people felt special by the way he treated them.  I would watch him interact with people and have a little smile on my face because he was so darn cute and sweet. 

I remember how everything in life was Awesome!   You could give him something silly and small and it was AWSOME!  Especially food, food was awesome!  We were remembering the day we got the new microwave.  Joe put it in while the kids were sleeping.  James woke up the next morning and came into the kitchen.  “Ohhhh we have a new microwave, that’s Awesome!  Where did we get it dad?”  Joe replied seriously,” The microwave fairy brought it James.”   “Ohhh the microwave fairy, THANK YOU microwave fairy, thank you!!!”  So sweet to the microwave fairy.  It brings a smile to my face often when I am using our gift from the microwave fairy.

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 I miss scratching his back in church.  He would go limp with a smile on his face.  He would relax for the whole hour and be so good in church as long as we were scratching his back.  I miss scratching his back during church.

I miss waking up in the morning and having his face right next to mine, watching me waiting for me to open my eyes, and his, ”Hi mom!”  I would grab him and huggle with him for a while.  He loved to huggle.  I miss his little warm body next to mine, and being able to kiss and hug on my little boy.  He was so ticklish, he would always squeal with laughter when I’d tickle him.    

I am grateful for his example of selflessness.  Like any mom you try and teach your kids to share.  Well I remember James and Grace playing and Grace was not sharing.  I was talking to her trying to get her to share.  James said,”  It’s okay mom, I changed my mind she can play with it.”  I remember he did that with Spencer to.  He would always change his mind so the other could have what they wanted.  He was also willing to play what the other wanted to play.  With Spencer it was Star wars.  With Grace he would play dress ups.  He would play games with me.  One of my favorite was the weekend before he passed away.  We had a family game night.  We were sitting on the floor playing uno and he got a draw 4.  In a very dramatic growl with a huge smile on his face….he counted ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR… we all started laughing. 

I miss his singing.  He would sing so loud all the time.   He wasn’t necessarily the best singer but he would sing with his heart and soul.  I remember the primary program when he was singing.  He was one of the loudest except when he was taking off his clothes.  He would stop to take off his coat, tie, and shoes and socks, then his teacher would help him put it back on and then he would sing at the top of his lungs again.  So cute. 

I miss his smile and twinkle in his eye.  I just miss him…..I love you my Jamie James.  Happy birthday my sweet angel!!            

James Birthday Celebration

As some of you may know it's almost James birthday. It's a big one this year-8! We decided last year since he is not here to enjoy his presents we KNOW he would love to share them with families who may not have a lot for Christmas. I kno

w many families are already participating in various charities and donations. If you do not have one ....Please, please, please donate a gift for James birthday. We have joined with his school and the list of people who need help is endless. We are asking people to donate gifts for girls or boys age 12 on down. It would help if they are not wrapped, we are having a wrap party with the Panorama kindness club next week. We are hoping to collect gifts this Saturday. You can bring them by in exchange for a cookie:) Maybe chocolate chip ones with no chocolate chips like James liked. We want to help as many people as we possibly can. If you are in Utah county my dad is bringing down the gifts from up there, or you can contact me through messages and donate money. No amount considered to small. 1000% goes to a needy family! In a very small way helping others takes some of the pain away of not having James with us this holiday season. If you knew James at all he was the most generous , kind, fun loving little kid. Help us honor his memory and celebrate his life in this small way- Thanks- The Farnsworth's

A message from James

We have redoubled our efforts to read the Book of Mormon every morning as a family. Our kids are so much happier when we do. This week we were reading in Alma. Usually, Joe and I read from our leather-bound scriptures and the kids read from paperback ones. They each have their own and can mark it.  One morning, I was reading in one of the paperback copies. When I turned the page, I found that James had written his name at the bottom of the page and the number 5, presumably because he was 5 at the time he wrote it. Now some may not think that is significant, but I want to walk you through the message that James left for me, his mom.

 

It says James 5 at the bottom of the left-hand page.  I thought that maybe I should start reading in verse 5.   I read Alma 28:5- 6, which describes how each member in our family felt when we lost James and also all those people who have lost loved ones:

       5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.

        6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."  

On the next page, James drew in the fold of the page. Verse 8 really stood out to me, but you have to change the names to our names, and the city to Saint George, so that it reads as follows:

         8 And this is the account of [the Farnsworth Family] their journeyings in the land of [St. George], their  sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy, and the reception and safety of the brethren in the land of [St. George]. And now may the Lord, the Redeemer of all men, bless their souls forever."

Verse 12 is my new favorite scripture for today:

       12 While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness."

Wow!! That describes perfectly how I feel about losing my son. I mourn, I ache every day to see him!  I long to hug his warm little body!  I truly mourn to the depths of my soul ....I also rejoice and exult in the hope - and even know that I will see James again!!! It is amazing while feeling such sorrow that I have also found such hope!  I have come to know that there is hope that we will see our loved ones again.  I have come to know that James still lives.  I have come to know all of this through my Savior.  You can truly mourn someone and still find joy.  It felt nice to understand why I have felt so much pain along with so much joy. 

Now the middle to the end of verse 14:

        ..and thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing—sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the light of Christ unto life. 

There is sorrow, but there is so much joy in and through the Savior!

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

        1 O that I were an Angel and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the               trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

        2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

        3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

        4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction."

I really love verses 1 and 2! James got his wish!  He is an angel.  I am so thankful for the Plan of Redemption.  Because of the plan of my Heavenly Father my son will live again.  We will be able to hold our loved ones again.  We also are healed from our pain and sorrow during this life.  I know that the Savior lifts our burdens and eases our pain.  He offers to carry the burdens of grief and sorrow so that we can rest from their pain.  He takes it all willingly.  I will never forget the peace he has given to me!  I will always remember the many times my burden was lifted!   

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

Those are the verses that James highlighted with his pencil. The rest of the chapter is a great one on missionary work. 

I have loved the message I got from my son. I have started to feel in the last couple of weeks some of the joy that is talked about. I am amazed at the peace that comes even now when I think of my son, my family, and the love of my Savior. I know there is a wonderful plan our loving Father gave us.  It can help us get through our sorrows, and feel peace and joy again.  

I was so happy to read these verses I felt like I wanted to shout like an angel and tell everyone!

Does it get easier??

This question has been asked over and over this past year.  I remember asking it of a mom who had lost her son 4 years before James passed.  She told me it didn't.  That made me sad.  The hurt and pain was so overwhelming I couldn't imagine it not easing just a little.

I have now come up with what I feel is my perfect response to my grief.  No, it doesn't get easier...but you get stronger!  I like how that feels!  Is the pain still there~yes!  Do I miss him everyday~Yes!  Do I wish he was still here~yes.

I can look back and see some of the lessons I have learned.  I can think of so many miracles that happened to help us get through that time in our life.  I can think of how close I felt to the Savior.   I have learned now that I want my family to be together forever.  It is the driving force that moves me through the day.  I see life and love so differently, there is an eternal glaze to everything.  I have learned that the Savior knows me and my pain personally.  I know He has lifted me many times when it was to hard to bear and He will do it again.  I know that James lives, I know he is taking care of our family on the other side.  I know that I see people differently, everyone hurts and needs love.  I am learning to give that more freely.

I have started thinking of life as a test~either you pass or fail.  Each time I come up against an obstacle I think, am I going to go closer to my Savior or further away.  It makes the decisions easier to make.  The effort backed u by a bigger purpose.

Today I am feeling so strong.  The memories are sweet and bring a smile to my face.  James feels close lately and I am glad to feel him near.  I ache to hold him and laugh with him again, but that will come soon enough if I learn what I am supposed to do hear and do it well!!  So in the words of James's favorite song...Be Strong and of good courage.  Be not afraid, stand firm in the Faith.  For the Lord will be with thee , and when you stand for something right and stand alone. Remember someone else stands by you in our Heavenly home so Be His!  Be One! Be Strong!

Brain surgery for mom

So last Tuesday i came up to meet with my Neurosurgon Dr. Reichman.  He is a great doctor and came very highly recommended.   I felt visiting with him, i could trust the decisions he made because he was very thorough and competant.  He was most concerned that my spinal tap pressure was 22 which he said was to high.  He was also concerned that i was having more issues with my vision.  He thought a brain shunt was the way to go if my vision showed any signs of worsening. He wanted me to have another eye exam and if there was any worsening he would keep me on the schedule for surgery.  He looked at his surgery schedule and realized that his only opening was on Thursday morning of that same week.  We decided that instead of driving back down to saint George i would visit with his friend Dr. Donaldson.  I spent the rest of the afternoon at the eye doctors.  The doctor said that the swelling was about the same, and after a field eye test he said that there was a tiny area around the center of my field of vision that was beginning to grey.  Well that was enough for the surgeon.   So I called Joe and told him he needed to pack for the whole family for at least a week.  We had planned on one day trip and had packed accordingly.   Thank goodness for my wonderful family who stepped up to help us through what has felt like a whirlwind time.  I was very grateful for grandma Farnsworth who watched them during the day of doctors appointments.  I am grateful for Joes work who have totally supported him in being there for me.  They have been so understanding this and past year.  I am grateful for my dad and brother in law who gave me a wonderful blessing to help me calm down and be okay till Joe could be there with me.  There were a lot of little things that happened to remind me that the Lord was aware of me. on the morning of the surgery i was blow drying my hair, i had a list of a whole bunch of brain surgery jokes.  I could hardly do my hair i was giggling so hard.  I am pretty James was feeding them to me so i wouldnt worry so much!  Another thing that really helped was after they get you ready they take you to holding.  You have to take off your glasses and say good bye to your loved ones.  Well i think you are only supposed to be there for 20 minutes.  I was there for over an hour.  I watched everyone else come and go.  I was scared out of my mind about all the possibilities and unkowns.  I didnt have anything or anyone to distract me.  I started to get a little emotional,  i hadnt had time to process it before.  I was starting to get really worried and so i whispered a quick prayer that things would be okay.  Well in swoops Dr. Peterson for another surgery.  The guy across from me was his patient.   Well his daughter Marie and I have been friends since high school, roomates in college,  in each others wedding.  I waved, he didnt see me so i waited for a moment and then said hi,  he came over and we chatted about surgery and lifes ups and downs, you know the usual pre op talk:).  He really helped me feel so much peace about the surgery and life in just those few minutes talking.  Then my surgeon came and it was time to go.  I loved how Heavenly Father uses other people to answer our prayers.  I kept remembering how brave James was whenever he was hurt and tried to picture him there with me and helping me to be brave!!  After the surgery the doctor reported that the pressure had been really high when he placed the shunt, comforting to know i didnt shave my head for naught.  Although it was unexpected, i already feel better and am hopeful this will be a long term fix.  I am grateful for friends and family who have once again helped to sustain us as we try to get through what life throws at us!   the pictures are of flowers my kids(my mom) brought me and my brother and sister.  I also wish i had a picture of the hats my mother in law picked out, very sweet! 
One of the most difficult things about surgery is taking care of my kids while i am down.  My mom, uncle Jared and Aunt Kathy have helped so much.  They also got to go spend some time with a favorite aunt of ours aunt Anne.  They loved going and sleeping over with Quinton and sleeping in the pink room.  It was so sweet to have them so well looked after.  We also have plans to spend some time in heber with brad and michelle.  Lots of family makes the recovery faster and easier!!

Hair shaving experience - brain surgery

So we are waiting this morning to head in for brain surgery.  I have a build up of cerebral spinal fluid and they are going to place a shunt to help the pressure.  We feel really confident in the doctor and treatment and hope everything goes well.  Thanks for all the prayers and support.  We will keep you posted.

James Swinging

We were given a cd of pictures from Uncle Chris and Aunt Brooke and these photos were on it.  I remember this day so well.  James loved to swing a lot!!!  Everytime we would go to the park we would spend the majority of time at the swings.  As you look at these pictures I wish you could see the amount of time that had passed in each picture.  I also wish you could have heard his protest each time we tried to get him out.  So funny, and totally James!

Spencer and James

Weeeeeee!

Ya I'm hot and been here a while but keep going!!!

This is so relaxing

Lullaby

and goodnight

James had this fascinating ability to go go go and then sleep.  Total and complete relaxation!!! So funny! 

Sweet huggles with daddy

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Worried Mother

Spencer has had a really bad weekend.  I think as a parent losing my son is the second hardest thing I have ever experienced.  The hardest thing is watching my children grieving for their brother and best friend.   As their mother it is so hard for me to see their little broken hearts try to make sense of this experience.

Thankfully Grace is a little sheltered with her age and understanding.  James is now the best imaginary brother ever.  He gets in all sorts of mischief, and is responsible for most of the trouble that is had at our house.  Poor guy, can't get a break.  Although, I have to say I am 99.5% sure it isn't him usually:).  I am just letting her have her pretend James.  It hurts to much to keep reminding her of the truth.  Hopefully she will grow out of it soon and will forgive me someday for indulging her.

Spencer....oh Spencer.  I wish I could tell all the people and kids who are around him ever to just love and embrace him.  He is suffering so much right now.  This last month has been really hard on him.  Last night he told us that he wishes that it was his time to die so that he didn't have to wait to be with James any longer.  It is so sad to hear those words from my nine year old.  I know it is a normal part of the grief, I know it's part of the emotions you have to work through but they are so hard for me to hear.

  I know the one thing that hasn't been healed, or changed, or repaired is the friendship that Spencer had with his brother.  Spencer said a couple months after James passed that he was always looking behind him expecting to see him.  James followed Spencer everywhere.  They were inseparable as two boys could be.  They slept in the same room, wore the same size clothes, loved the same things.  How do you go from having someone there with you 24/7 to not?  He hasn't really found anything to repair that hole.  I know nothing and no one can fill that hole because it's shaped like James.  You can't and won't ever replace that.  I don't expect that, but I have watched other people who where important in James life find their futures.  They have been able to find things and people that have helped them to move forward.  I hope that we can find that for Spencer soon.    It is the hardest thing to hear your son feel that pain and not be able to take it from him.  I don't know all the answers and how do you help a kid understand things that are beyond their years?  How do you give them the faith that will help heal them?  It can't come fast enough or large enough sometimes.  I feel this huge mountain of issues and challenges for him is getting bigger and bigger and I don't know what I can do to help him rise above it.  It is hard to feel so weak, but at the same time need to utilize every ounce of strength you have in reserves to push through another day.  How is he going to deal with this huge milestone in his life?  How is it going to define him?  What will be the consequences of it?  What will be the blessings of it?  I  really want it to be a stepping stone and not a stumbling block for him.

I know many of you are praying already for us but please just pray a little more for Spencer.  Maybe for us to know how to help him heal!  Thank you for all the support and love everyone shares with us!                   

James's T-Shirts

In the weeks before James passed away, James and Joe would go running in the morning together.  One morning James asked Joe why he was running so much.  Joe told him that he was starting to train for a race. James said,"  That's awesome dad.  If you run a race, I'll get a big sign with the letter G on it and yell, GO JOE!!!"  The Farnsworth's have a semi tradition of running in the 4th of July 5k in Provo.  This year they decided they wanted to dedicate the run to James.  We thought t-shirts would be a great idea.  While we were in California we were trying to come with ideas of how the shirts would look.  Joe came up with the perfect idea of combining James G idea with his favorite song Be Strong.  So these are two ideas I came up with fiddling around last night.  We want you to help us decide which one we should go with.  

  

Be Strong and of Good Courage #1

Be Strong G  #2

                                          When you stand for something right and stand alone.

This is what we thought we would do on the back(Including the phrase on the top of the picture.  )  They are all words from his favorite song.  


These are not set in stone and subject to change.  Let us know your thoughts.  If anyone else would like to order a shirt , once we decide on a logo we can set the price for everyone.  We would love to see as many people as possible wearing  James's shirt.  You don't have to be running a race to order one.  Any way let's hurry and vote so we can find out the price.  

A Day of Peace

Dear Friends and Family,

On behalf of our family I just want to thank all of you for your love, prayers, and support.  We truly are blessed to count you all as our eternal family and eternal friends.  Today has been filled with the Holy Spirit and James's spirit: laughter, peace, joy, love, goofiness, and fun.  Love to all, Joseph, Laura, Spencer, Angel James, and Grace

Angel Kisses

Mother's Day like any holiday can bring out the best and the most tender emotions for a mom.  The first year James was gone I dreaded Mother's Day.  One of the things I knew I would miss is hearing his big voice sing to me at church on Mother's Day.  I missed the warm hugs and the little I love you's that are whispered all day.  You really miss them everyday, but certain days, it is a little more tender.  

So what do you do with a huge painful hole in your heart?  What do you do to combat the pain and heartache that is yours permanently now as a mom of an angel?   I was struggling and realized that I might not be the only person that missed their angel on Mother's Day.  This is a poem that I wrote for Mother's Day.  I wrote it from James's perspective.  I think it is what our Angel's would tell us if they could.  I know they miss us!  I know they love us!   I know they cherish the time we had together.  

So the challenge here is to find people you know that have angels they are missing.  I ravage my garden and with the help of friends make little bouquets that we can take to those people, along with a print off of the poem.  If you now of someone who needs kisses from their angel.  Print off the pictures and take them a little remembrance- from one angel to another!  I know this has helped ease the sadness they may be feeling!  

Thanks for helping me!  

I love you my Jamie James, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again!

Sharing Angel Kisses

Spencer's Memories

I really miss him.  I miss him with all my heart~bad!

This was our first day at Panorama school.  I was in 2nd grade and James was in Kindergarten.  I miss walking to school with him.  I miss talking with him.  We would always talk and laugh about funny things.  Anytime I would see James at school, he would yell,"Hi Spencer!!!"  really loud, sometimes he would just hug me.  One time we were going to the bike rack, this kid that was James friend, James told him that I was eight years and had been baptized and went to scouts.  The kid was like "Ohhh I want to be eight too."   I think James was proud of the good decisions I was making.  He always looked up to me and wanted to be like me.   

We went fishing one time.  My dad would always take us.  James would keep throwing rocks in the water cause he didn't like to fish.  One time when he went fishing he caught a fish and he got to scarred to reel it in.  Another time ~So I was pulling my fish pole back, right when I was about to throw it into the water, it snagged James in the chin.  He was the biggest person I have ever caught except daddy's shirt, and my eyelid.  So I guess you could say I like to catch people as well as fish:)   I think dad wants to be a good dad and take me out fishing a lot!  

Two little angels on Grace's blessing day.

Christmas Eve Funny Faces at Grandma and Grandpa Farnsworth's                                                                       

Me and James wanted General Grievous's lightsabers for Christmas and we got them.

Here are some fun baby pictures with my brother James

We were using these bowls as hats and then laughing hysterically when they fell off

I am hugging James cause he was sad, I wanted him to feel better

My Buddy, two peas in a pod.

Rub a dub two boys in a tub

Playing the saxophone like daddy

It was always interesting to see the trouble James got into.  

I wish you could have heard their favorite game.  They would hold hands and jump off the couch.  They would laugh so hard, and then get up and do it all over again.  Fun brother time!

When James and I were little we would climb up the
stairs of the temple and knock on the door to see if
anyone would answer.  One time I turned
around and said,  "I guess Jesus isn't home right
now, we will have to come back later."

Our trip to the Saint George Temple.  One Sunday we got from church and my mom asked why we hadn't changed out of our Sunday clothes.  We told them we wanted to go to the temple.  So we all got in the van and had a really fun time at the temple.  This picture is me and James with our arms around each other.    It makes me think of love.  I am sure there will be many times in my life when I can feel James arm around me. He was my brother friend.

This makes me think about families, how they can be together forever.  Knowing that makes me feel happy.  

This is our missionary picture.  We are both in our suits.  Missionaries preach the gospel.  James is on his mission now. I will go on my mission when I am nineteen.  I think James will be with me cause he loves me, he will always love me.

People should go the temple.  I learned that is a house of God and we should respect it.    It's a peaceful place to be.  You get blessed when you go there.  Because mom and dad were sealed there our family can be together forever.  That means James is still my brother in Heaven, that makes me feel really happy!!

We can be a family together forever.  James was a great brother for me.  Gracie is a good sister for me.  My mom is a good mother for me.  Dad is a good father for me.  I am the great oldest son for them.  Jesus helped us be families forever.  Jesus Christ lives.  He is the Savior, the firstborn of Heavenly Father.  He created the earth for us.  He helped us  with our prayers.  When we need Him, always pray for His help.  The scriptures are true and if you read it you will feel the Spirit.  You will know the truth of prophets.  The scriptures are the sacred book of the words of the prophets and the Lord.  It is called the Book of Mormon.  When I was scared when the lights went out I prayed and I saw a smiley face on the ceiling.  I think it was from James, it helped me fall asleep very quickly.        

Dad told James to sled down.  I was still on the hill and I kept falling off my sled.  Once dad told them to go I turned around and said "Oh great"  I tried to hurry down as fast as I can.  I love James laugh at the bottom of the hill.

James in a hurry to get somewhere.

Spencer and James loved Thomas the train.  One summer Thomas was visiting the Heber valley railroad and the boys got to take a ride on it.  They had so much fun.  Grandma Farnsworth got them their cute railroad outfits and they were ready to climb all aboard.   One of the reasons I love this picture so much is because when the train started to roll Spencer got really scared.  James on the other hand could barely contain his excitement.  If you look closely at James you can tell we are holding the straps on his overalls to prevent him from  falling out the window.  He wanted to see it all.   We showed Spencer how James was not afraid and Spencer crept centimeter by centimeter till he could peek at his brother and enjoy the ride.  It was a moment when they both helped balance each other.  One of my favorite pictures  

LIGHTSABER DUELS

James trained me to be a Jedi knight.  He taught me how to block the legs from getting cut off.  James is a good Jedi master.  If you will notice James lightsaber is purple.  It belongs to Mace-windu (played by Samuel L. Jackson)  We wanted to dress up as Jedi's for Halloween.  James asked mom very seriously ,"  Mom, will you shave me bald and paint me chocolate? Come on, Please."   

Me and James liked to explore at Zion's.  One time we even saw a frog.

James loved rides at Lagoon.  He almost went on all of them.

Spencer and James were on the same soccer team.  They were two stars on the team.  Spencer was really good at getting goals for his team.  There was one game we went to and the other team did not have enough players.  The ref pointed to three of our players and told them they were on the other team.  James flipped over his shirt and off he went.  (It really didn't make that much of a difference since it was herd ball anyway.)  So about a quarter of they way through Spencer made an amazing run for a goal.  It was awesome.  He came running over to the side lines to get high fives and thumbs up from Joe and I.  James finally made it over from across the field and picked Spencer up from behind and started shaking him.  He picked him up three or four times.  He was so excited for his brother.  (Keep in mind that he was wearing the other teams colors)  It looked like it was the other team congratulating Spencer.  Everyone on the side lines started laughing.  It was funny.  In a way I think it is a lesson for Spencer.  When the call came from the referee, James didn't hesitate.  He's on  a different side now.  But whenever there is reason to celebrate, or whenever Spencer is happy, or when he makes a great choice, I bet James will be there cheering just as loudly as he was then.  I know he loves you Spencer,so much.  The hardest things for him is that he can't talk to you, or laugh with you, or play with you right now.  I know you were his favorite person to be around. You were his best friend.    I know he looked up to you and watched what you did and followed your example.  You are still his big brother and are still setting a good example for him.  I know it hurts him to see you sad and lonely, he wishes you could feel his arm around you, as he tries to help you everyday.  He would tell you he loves you and then declare kissing torture for Spence!! 

I hope you always remember he loves you!  

James you are  a great brother.  Thanks for being my roommate.   Thanks for playing with me, lightsaber fighting, swimming with me, and laughing with me.  I miss watching tv with you.  I miss kissing torture.
 I MISS YOU!!!!  I LOVE YOU JAMES, LOVE YOUR BIG BROTHER FOREVER SPENCER