A message from James

We have redoubled our efforts to read the Book of Mormon every morning as a family. Our kids are so much happier when we do. This week we were reading in Alma. Usually, Joe and I read from our leather-bound scriptures and the kids read from paperback ones. They each have their own and can mark it.  One morning, I was reading in one of the paperback copies. When I turned the page, I found that James had written his name at the bottom of the page and the number 5, presumably because he was 5 at the time he wrote it. Now some may not think that is significant, but I want to walk you through the message that James left for me, his mom.

 

It says James 5 at the bottom of the left-hand page.  I thought that maybe I should start reading in verse 5.   I read Alma 28:5- 6, which describes how each member in our family felt when we lost James and also all those people who have lost loved ones:

       5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.

        6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."  

On the next page, James drew in the fold of the page. Verse 8 really stood out to me, but you have to change the names to our names, and the city to Saint George, so that it reads as follows:

         8 And this is the account of [the Farnsworth Family] their journeyings in the land of [St. George], their  sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy, and the reception and safety of the brethren in the land of [St. George]. And now may the Lord, the Redeemer of all men, bless their souls forever."

Verse 12 is my new favorite scripture for today:

       12 While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness."

Wow!! That describes perfectly how I feel about losing my son. I mourn, I ache every day to see him!  I long to hug his warm little body!  I truly mourn to the depths of my soul ....I also rejoice and exult in the hope - and even know that I will see James again!!! It is amazing while feeling such sorrow that I have also found such hope!  I have come to know that there is hope that we will see our loved ones again.  I have come to know that James still lives.  I have come to know all of this through my Savior.  You can truly mourn someone and still find joy.  It felt nice to understand why I have felt so much pain along with so much joy. 

Now the middle to the end of verse 14:

        ..and thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing—sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the light of Christ unto life. 

There is sorrow, but there is so much joy in and through the Savior!

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

        1 O that I were an Angel and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the               trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

        2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

        3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

        4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction."

I really love verses 1 and 2! James got his wish!  He is an angel.  I am so thankful for the Plan of Redemption.  Because of the plan of my Heavenly Father my son will live again.  We will be able to hold our loved ones again.  We also are healed from our pain and sorrow during this life.  I know that the Savior lifts our burdens and eases our pain.  He offers to carry the burdens of grief and sorrow so that we can rest from their pain.  He takes it all willingly.  I will never forget the peace he has given to me!  I will always remember the many times my burden was lifted!   

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

Those are the verses that James highlighted with his pencil. The rest of the chapter is a great one on missionary work. 

I have loved the message I got from my son. I have started to feel in the last couple of weeks some of the joy that is talked about. I am amazed at the peace that comes even now when I think of my son, my family, and the love of my Savior. I know there is a wonderful plan our loving Father gave us.  It can help us get through our sorrows, and feel peace and joy again.  

I was so happy to read these verses I felt like I wanted to shout like an angel and tell everyone!

Does it get easier??

This question has been asked over and over this past year.  I remember asking it of a mom who had lost her son 4 years before James passed.  She told me it didn't.  That made me sad.  The hurt and pain was so overwhelming I couldn't imagine it not easing just a little.

I have now come up with what I feel is my perfect response to my grief.  No, it doesn't get easier...but you get stronger!  I like how that feels!  Is the pain still there~yes!  Do I miss him everyday~Yes!  Do I wish he was still here~yes.

I can look back and see some of the lessons I have learned.  I can think of so many miracles that happened to help us get through that time in our life.  I can think of how close I felt to the Savior.   I have learned now that I want my family to be together forever.  It is the driving force that moves me through the day.  I see life and love so differently, there is an eternal glaze to everything.  I have learned that the Savior knows me and my pain personally.  I know He has lifted me many times when it was to hard to bear and He will do it again.  I know that James lives, I know he is taking care of our family on the other side.  I know that I see people differently, everyone hurts and needs love.  I am learning to give that more freely.

I have started thinking of life as a test~either you pass or fail.  Each time I come up against an obstacle I think, am I going to go closer to my Savior or further away.  It makes the decisions easier to make.  The effort backed u by a bigger purpose.

Today I am feeling so strong.  The memories are sweet and bring a smile to my face.  James feels close lately and I am glad to feel him near.  I ache to hold him and laugh with him again, but that will come soon enough if I learn what I am supposed to do hear and do it well!!  So in the words of James's favorite song...Be Strong and of good courage.  Be not afraid, stand firm in the Faith.  For the Lord will be with thee , and when you stand for something right and stand alone. Remember someone else stands by you in our Heavenly home so Be His!  Be One! Be Strong!

Angel Kisses

Mother's Day like any holiday can bring out the best and the most tender emotions for a mom.  The first year James was gone I dreaded Mother's Day.  One of the things I knew I would miss is hearing his big voice sing to me at church on Mother's Day.  I missed the warm hugs and the little I love you's that are whispered all day.  You really miss them everyday, but certain days, it is a little more tender.  

So what do you do with a huge painful hole in your heart?  What do you do to combat the pain and heartache that is yours permanently now as a mom of an angel?   I was struggling and realized that I might not be the only person that missed their angel on Mother's Day.  This is a poem that I wrote for Mother's Day.  I wrote it from James's perspective.  I think it is what our Angel's would tell us if they could.  I know they miss us!  I know they love us!   I know they cherish the time we had together.  

So the challenge here is to find people you know that have angels they are missing.  I ravage my garden and with the help of friends make little bouquets that we can take to those people, along with a print off of the poem.  If you now of someone who needs kisses from their angel.  Print off the pictures and take them a little remembrance- from one angel to another!  I know this has helped ease the sadness they may be feeling!  

Thanks for helping me!  

I love you my Jamie James, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again!

Sharing Angel Kisses

Spencer's Memories

I really miss him.  I miss him with all my heart~bad!

This was our first day at Panorama school.  I was in 2nd grade and James was in Kindergarten.  I miss walking to school with him.  I miss talking with him.  We would always talk and laugh about funny things.  Anytime I would see James at school, he would yell,"Hi Spencer!!!"  really loud, sometimes he would just hug me.  One time we were going to the bike rack, this kid that was James friend, James told him that I was eight years and had been baptized and went to scouts.  The kid was like "Ohhh I want to be eight too."   I think James was proud of the good decisions I was making.  He always looked up to me and wanted to be like me.   

We went fishing one time.  My dad would always take us.  James would keep throwing rocks in the water cause he didn't like to fish.  One time when he went fishing he caught a fish and he got to scarred to reel it in.  Another time ~So I was pulling my fish pole back, right when I was about to throw it into the water, it snagged James in the chin.  He was the biggest person I have ever caught except daddy's shirt, and my eyelid.  So I guess you could say I like to catch people as well as fish:)   I think dad wants to be a good dad and take me out fishing a lot!  

Two little angels on Grace's blessing day.

Christmas Eve Funny Faces at Grandma and Grandpa Farnsworth's                                                                       

Me and James wanted General Grievous's lightsabers for Christmas and we got them.

Here are some fun baby pictures with my brother James

We were using these bowls as hats and then laughing hysterically when they fell off

I am hugging James cause he was sad, I wanted him to feel better

My Buddy, two peas in a pod.

Rub a dub two boys in a tub

Playing the saxophone like daddy

It was always interesting to see the trouble James got into.  

I wish you could have heard their favorite game.  They would hold hands and jump off the couch.  They would laugh so hard, and then get up and do it all over again.  Fun brother time!

When James and I were little we would climb up the
stairs of the temple and knock on the door to see if
anyone would answer.  One time I turned
around and said,  "I guess Jesus isn't home right
now, we will have to come back later."

Our trip to the Saint George Temple.  One Sunday we got from church and my mom asked why we hadn't changed out of our Sunday clothes.  We told them we wanted to go to the temple.  So we all got in the van and had a really fun time at the temple.  This picture is me and James with our arms around each other.    It makes me think of love.  I am sure there will be many times in my life when I can feel James arm around me. He was my brother friend.

This makes me think about families, how they can be together forever.  Knowing that makes me feel happy.  

This is our missionary picture.  We are both in our suits.  Missionaries preach the gospel.  James is on his mission now. I will go on my mission when I am nineteen.  I think James will be with me cause he loves me, he will always love me.

People should go the temple.  I learned that is a house of God and we should respect it.    It's a peaceful place to be.  You get blessed when you go there.  Because mom and dad were sealed there our family can be together forever.  That means James is still my brother in Heaven, that makes me feel really happy!!

We can be a family together forever.  James was a great brother for me.  Gracie is a good sister for me.  My mom is a good mother for me.  Dad is a good father for me.  I am the great oldest son for them.  Jesus helped us be families forever.  Jesus Christ lives.  He is the Savior, the firstborn of Heavenly Father.  He created the earth for us.  He helped us  with our prayers.  When we need Him, always pray for His help.  The scriptures are true and if you read it you will feel the Spirit.  You will know the truth of prophets.  The scriptures are the sacred book of the words of the prophets and the Lord.  It is called the Book of Mormon.  When I was scared when the lights went out I prayed and I saw a smiley face on the ceiling.  I think it was from James, it helped me fall asleep very quickly.        

Dad told James to sled down.  I was still on the hill and I kept falling off my sled.  Once dad told them to go I turned around and said "Oh great"  I tried to hurry down as fast as I can.  I love James laugh at the bottom of the hill.

James in a hurry to get somewhere.

Spencer and James loved Thomas the train.  One summer Thomas was visiting the Heber valley railroad and the boys got to take a ride on it.  They had so much fun.  Grandma Farnsworth got them their cute railroad outfits and they were ready to climb all aboard.   One of the reasons I love this picture so much is because when the train started to roll Spencer got really scared.  James on the other hand could barely contain his excitement.  If you look closely at James you can tell we are holding the straps on his overalls to prevent him from  falling out the window.  He wanted to see it all.   We showed Spencer how James was not afraid and Spencer crept centimeter by centimeter till he could peek at his brother and enjoy the ride.  It was a moment when they both helped balance each other.  One of my favorite pictures  

LIGHTSABER DUELS

James trained me to be a Jedi knight.  He taught me how to block the legs from getting cut off.  James is a good Jedi master.  If you will notice James lightsaber is purple.  It belongs to Mace-windu (played by Samuel L. Jackson)  We wanted to dress up as Jedi's for Halloween.  James asked mom very seriously ,"  Mom, will you shave me bald and paint me chocolate? Come on, Please."   

Me and James liked to explore at Zion's.  One time we even saw a frog.

James loved rides at Lagoon.  He almost went on all of them.

Spencer and James were on the same soccer team.  They were two stars on the team.  Spencer was really good at getting goals for his team.  There was one game we went to and the other team did not have enough players.  The ref pointed to three of our players and told them they were on the other team.  James flipped over his shirt and off he went.  (It really didn't make that much of a difference since it was herd ball anyway.)  So about a quarter of they way through Spencer made an amazing run for a goal.  It was awesome.  He came running over to the side lines to get high fives and thumbs up from Joe and I.  James finally made it over from across the field and picked Spencer up from behind and started shaking him.  He picked him up three or four times.  He was so excited for his brother.  (Keep in mind that he was wearing the other teams colors)  It looked like it was the other team congratulating Spencer.  Everyone on the side lines started laughing.  It was funny.  In a way I think it is a lesson for Spencer.  When the call came from the referee, James didn't hesitate.  He's on  a different side now.  But whenever there is reason to celebrate, or whenever Spencer is happy, or when he makes a great choice, I bet James will be there cheering just as loudly as he was then.  I know he loves you Spencer,so much.  The hardest things for him is that he can't talk to you, or laugh with you, or play with you right now.  I know you were his favorite person to be around. You were his best friend.    I know he looked up to you and watched what you did and followed your example.  You are still his big brother and are still setting a good example for him.  I know it hurts him to see you sad and lonely, he wishes you could feel his arm around you, as he tries to help you everyday.  He would tell you he loves you and then declare kissing torture for Spence!! 

I hope you always remember he loves you!  

James you are  a great brother.  Thanks for being my roommate.   Thanks for playing with me, lightsaber fighting, swimming with me, and laughing with me.  I miss watching tv with you.  I miss kissing torture.
 I MISS YOU!!!!  I LOVE YOU JAMES, LOVE YOUR BIG BROTHER FOREVER SPENCER