A message from James

We have redoubled our efforts to read the Book of Mormon every morning as a family. Our kids are so much happier when we do. This week we were reading in Alma. Usually, Joe and I read from our leather-bound scriptures and the kids read from paperback ones. They each have their own and can mark it.  One morning, I was reading in one of the paperback copies. When I turned the page, I found that James had written his name at the bottom of the page and the number 5, presumably because he was 5 at the time he wrote it. Now some may not think that is significant, but I want to walk you through the message that James left for me, his mom.

 

It says James 5 at the bottom of the left-hand page.  I thought that maybe I should start reading in verse 5.   I read Alma 28:5- 6, which describes how each member in our family felt when we lost James and also all those people who have lost loved ones:

       5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.

        6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."  

On the next page, James drew in the fold of the page. Verse 8 really stood out to me, but you have to change the names to our names, and the city to Saint George, so that it reads as follows:

         8 And this is the account of [the Farnsworth Family] their journeyings in the land of [St. George], their  sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy, and the reception and safety of the brethren in the land of [St. George]. And now may the Lord, the Redeemer of all men, bless their souls forever."

Verse 12 is my new favorite scripture for today:

       12 While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness."

Wow!! That describes perfectly how I feel about losing my son. I mourn, I ache every day to see him!  I long to hug his warm little body!  I truly mourn to the depths of my soul ....I also rejoice and exult in the hope - and even know that I will see James again!!! It is amazing while feeling such sorrow that I have also found such hope!  I have come to know that there is hope that we will see our loved ones again.  I have come to know that James still lives.  I have come to know all of this through my Savior.  You can truly mourn someone and still find joy.  It felt nice to understand why I have felt so much pain along with so much joy. 

Now the middle to the end of verse 14:

        ..and thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing—sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the light of Christ unto life. 

There is sorrow, but there is so much joy in and through the Savior!

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

        1 O that I were an Angel and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the               trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

        2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

        3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

        4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction."

I really love verses 1 and 2! James got his wish!  He is an angel.  I am so thankful for the Plan of Redemption.  Because of the plan of my Heavenly Father my son will live again.  We will be able to hold our loved ones again.  We also are healed from our pain and sorrow during this life.  I know that the Savior lifts our burdens and eases our pain.  He offers to carry the burdens of grief and sorrow so that we can rest from their pain.  He takes it all willingly.  I will never forget the peace he has given to me!  I will always remember the many times my burden was lifted!   

James's line keeps going through verses 1-4 of Chapter 29:

Those are the verses that James highlighted with his pencil. The rest of the chapter is a great one on missionary work. 

I have loved the message I got from my son. I have started to feel in the last couple of weeks some of the joy that is talked about. I am amazed at the peace that comes even now when I think of my son, my family, and the love of my Savior. I know there is a wonderful plan our loving Father gave us.  It can help us get through our sorrows, and feel peace and joy again.  

I was so happy to read these verses I felt like I wanted to shout like an angel and tell everyone!

Does it get easier??

This question has been asked over and over this past year.  I remember asking it of a mom who had lost her son 4 years before James passed.  She told me it didn't.  That made me sad.  The hurt and pain was so overwhelming I couldn't imagine it not easing just a little.

I have now come up with what I feel is my perfect response to my grief.  No, it doesn't get easier...but you get stronger!  I like how that feels!  Is the pain still there~yes!  Do I miss him everyday~Yes!  Do I wish he was still here~yes.

I can look back and see some of the lessons I have learned.  I can think of so many miracles that happened to help us get through that time in our life.  I can think of how close I felt to the Savior.   I have learned now that I want my family to be together forever.  It is the driving force that moves me through the day.  I see life and love so differently, there is an eternal glaze to everything.  I have learned that the Savior knows me and my pain personally.  I know He has lifted me many times when it was to hard to bear and He will do it again.  I know that James lives, I know he is taking care of our family on the other side.  I know that I see people differently, everyone hurts and needs love.  I am learning to give that more freely.

I have started thinking of life as a test~either you pass or fail.  Each time I come up against an obstacle I think, am I going to go closer to my Savior or further away.  It makes the decisions easier to make.  The effort backed u by a bigger purpose.

Today I am feeling so strong.  The memories are sweet and bring a smile to my face.  James feels close lately and I am glad to feel him near.  I ache to hold him and laugh with him again, but that will come soon enough if I learn what I am supposed to do hear and do it well!!  So in the words of James's favorite song...Be Strong and of good courage.  Be not afraid, stand firm in the Faith.  For the Lord will be with thee , and when you stand for something right and stand alone. Remember someone else stands by you in our Heavenly home so Be His!  Be One! Be Strong!