Okay so it is four 'clock in the morning for the second day in a row. Lots on my mind. I thought maybe I need to write it down and hopefully I will sleep a little better tomorrow. We are coming up on the anniversary of James death(which I shall refer to as d-day from now on).
Spence has had a rough week. This week he has really struggled. On Saturday night we were talking and he was asking me all the why questions I don't have answers to. "Why did James Have to die? Why does everyone around us get to keep their brothers and sisters and I don't? Why couldn't he have stayed for a little bit longer? Why don't I get to share my room with him anymore, I don't sleep without him here? Why does he have to go to Heaven and we have to be here without him?" Those were just a few that came pouring out of his heart,"
It's really difficult for me as a mom to answer those questions in a way that he will understand and accept. Most of my answers have come through years of trials and searching scriptures so I can face these same questions, these why's, and let them go. Like this conference talk by Elder Wickman. I heard it when we were struggling with why we couldn't have children. I thought the lesson of letting things go without an answers was relevant then, and now I read this now realizing how the Lord prepared me through my other trial to find a ton of peace and comfort through this talk again when James died. In fact after we came home from the hospital after James had died and were trying to piece together anything. I told Joe to print this off and that I needed to remember a lesson that I had already learned. I didn't want to question the why's. I had already learned that lesson so I wanted to apply it to this trial. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/but-if-not?lang=eng&query=elder+wickman. Also all of Philipians Chapters 2 and 3. These have been a source of constant comfort that I have read and re-read over and over. I am so grateful most of the why's are not issues for me. But try translating it into 9 year oldese. I tried telling about my personal trials, how we couldn't have children for so many years and had lost three through miscarriages. We struggled and prayed and fasted. I really didn't understand why we couldn't, after all this was something good right? But then we had the opportunity for this amazing little spirit to join our family through adoption. Spencer was the miracle after all our why's. We couldn't see that knee deep in it, but looking back there was a reason. Maybe the way he came into our family was to help him understand the Lord's plan so he can accept James death more easily.
Most of the rest of the conversation was how the why's are hard but they don't change anything. Especially the if only I had ,and should have, and maybe I could have changed it. Lives have been wasted, and hearts tormented on questions like those. I know in his little heart he carries way to many of those thoughts everyday. We all do to some extent or another. We decided that he would keep his picture on his bed while he was sleeping and that might help him feel like James was still there sleeping in the room with him. He also wanted to take two pictures to church so he could have him near. All the time Joe and I were praying that his teacher and kids in his class would be helpful and understanding. I asked my beehives and miamaids for help, they shared some really great experiences at times where they have faced trails and had to be okay with an outcome that they weren't happy about. I love them! Spencer also had one of my favorite people for his teacher that day, she said she wanted to tell me about their lesson.
The next morning He wouldn't eat anything for breakfast, I was trying to come up with different ideas finally he told me that he was fasting for James to come back and visit him. Oh my little sweet man, He's nine. He should be worrying about soccer practice, legos, and homework, not this. I sent him off to school with hugs and kisses and a slightly cracked heart knowing that where his heart and soul were. After school we had cello lessons, after we went to the temple. I told the kids before we got out of the car that sometimes we don't get to see James but sometimes we can feel him when we are happy or are listening close for those whispers from the Holy Ghost. We said a prayer that we could feel that as we spent time around the temple. It's one of the places I feel closest to James and Heavenly Father. The kids played tag and we climbed the steps over and over, watched Heavenly Father's plan for families. We cried a little, I was praying a lot. Spencer told me in the car riding home that he felt happy, and that's how he felt when he was around James so he must of been there. I have noticed over the last couple of days when Spencer is really happy he starts to sing Silent night(James favorite song). I don't think that he is ever far away from his thoughts. I hope I can help him find peace to face those why's and let them go, hopefully it won't take him 35 years like me, to get to that point.
I am not sure how much Grace still understands and is struggling with it. The day after Easter she asked me ,"So Easter is when Jesus was Resurrected right mom, So does that mean we get to see James tomorrow?"
Always love having to tell her no right especially when it kind of breaks your heart to say it out loud. She also mentioned how she would be doing something with him the next day. I had to ask her if she knew that James probably wasn't going to be coming home for a long time, "ya, I know mom" Seriously it makes my heart hurt just thinking about saying those words to her. I don't really know how to do this very well. It is so hard to balance mourning his loss and memories and still trying to live and celebrated the lives of my family.
We are coming up on his d-day and I didn't realize going through all the lasts would do to me. We had Easter, our last holiday that we had together. I held it together real well at the family party(not), sometimes it's hard when the first thing anyone says to you is Hi How are you? When your heart is cracked you don't want to answer that or it all comes out. The emotions are so strong and full that any time people really ask, it usually leaks, or spills, or floods out. Then today we have the school carnival, and the pinewood derby. One of the last family activities we all did as a family. I know I still have to be there for Spencer and I want to be, but it is so difficult to go to these things and try and find the stamina to smile and make nice when I just want to bawl like a baby cause James isn't there. Also taking pictures at these things kills me cause there is this freaking huge hole where someone else is supposed to be.
We also have the Elder's quorum party on Saturday, I know not a big deal, except last year when Joe was EQ president they had scheduled it for May 21st, the day after James past away. Joe ended up cancelling it but just the idea of it this year is like all those other painful reminders...a cheese grater to the heart. It leaves me feeling raw and emotional. Pretty much all the time. I know when I go to these things 95 percent of the people have no idea that it is hard for me to be there. For them I try to pretend that I am not hurting and am happy and strong. Those other five percent ask or look and I know they might have a clue as to how hard it is but, I either have to ignore the empathy which threatens to crack the facade, or give in and cry. Either way I feel like I am hiding, and avoiding, or causing a scene.
I don't like feeling like a mess all the time. I miss feeling normal and worrying about benign things. I don't love the weight of the label, "she's the mom of the boy who died." I know it as almost been a year but in some ways, some things are harder now then they were 11 months ago. I have also felt that people are ready for me to move on. I get that, I get tired of all this to. You are welcome to move on, no hard feelings. I can't. If you are tired of hearing about things again, and again, and again, sorry that is what I need to help me through my why's and my families why's. Broken hearts take a really long time to mend and heal. They leave a lot of sore muscle and bruising. Some people say I am strong, others say I am a mess or crazy, others pat my hand and tell me I am doing well, others may feel like this is getting old. I agree with all those assessments. When I hear of this happening to people my heart breaks for them, it is not a road that is easy to walk. It is painful every step of the way. Sometimes the effort alone is staggering. I have never felt so weak and powerless in my life. You have to be alert and have your game face on or those little memories or things people say off hand catch you like a giant paper cut to your heart. Sometimes I am amazed I can keep a straight face, and not let my reactions show, so they won't know I am in pain. Other times I wish I could keep it in, or I had more people ask so that the same people don't get dumped on every time they dare really ask how I am. I feel like you have to learn how to interact with people all over again, or in a totally different way. It is always an elephant in the room. People are worried they don't know what to say or say the wrong thing, I think saying nothing is the worst out of all of those.
Wow no wonder I couldn't sleep, lots on my mind. Time to get up now and face a really busy day. Wish me luck with the Pinewood derby.
