Spencer has had a really bad weekend. I think as a parent losing my son is the second hardest thing I have ever experienced. The hardest thing is watching my children grieving for their brother and best friend. As their mother it is so hard for me to see their little broken hearts try to make sense of this experience.
Thankfully Grace is a little sheltered with her age and understanding. James is now the best imaginary brother ever. He gets in all sorts of mischief, and is responsible for most of the trouble that is had at our house. Poor guy, can't get a break. Although, I have to say I am 99.5% sure it isn't him usually:). I am just letting her have her pretend James. It hurts to much to keep reminding her of the truth. Hopefully she will grow out of it soon and will forgive me someday for indulging her.
Spencer....oh Spencer. I wish I could tell all the people and kids who are around him ever to just love and embrace him. He is suffering so much right now. This last month has been really hard on him. Last night he told us that he wishes that it was his time to die so that he didn't have to wait to be with James any longer. It is so sad to hear those words from my nine year old. I know it is a normal part of the grief, I know it's part of the emotions you have to work through but they are so hard for me to hear.
I know the one thing that hasn't been healed, or changed, or repaired is the friendship that Spencer had with his brother. Spencer said a couple months after James passed that he was always looking behind him expecting to see him. James followed Spencer everywhere. They were inseparable as two boys could be. They slept in the same room, wore the same size clothes, loved the same things. How do you go from having someone there with you 24/7 to not? He hasn't really found anything to repair that hole. I know nothing and no one can fill that hole because it's shaped like James. You can't and won't ever replace that. I don't expect that, but I have watched other people who where important in James life find their futures. They have been able to find things and people that have helped them to move forward. I hope that we can find that for Spencer soon. It is the hardest thing to hear your son feel that pain and not be able to take it from him. I don't know all the answers and how do you help a kid understand things that are beyond their years? How do you give them the faith that will help heal them? It can't come fast enough or large enough sometimes. I feel this huge mountain of issues and challenges for him is getting bigger and bigger and I don't know what I can do to help him rise above it. It is hard to feel so weak, but at the same time need to utilize every ounce of strength you have in reserves to push through another day. How is he going to deal with this huge milestone in his life? How is it going to define him? What will be the consequences of it? What will be the blessings of it? I really want it to be a stepping stone and not a stumbling block for him.
I know many of you are praying already for us but please just pray a little more for Spencer. Maybe for us to know how to help him heal! Thank you for all the support and love everyone shares with us!
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